I WONDER WHERE MY WORK IS GOING? The bitter truth is that no one cares about what you create. And they shouldn’t. I get that. No one should love what you do just because you have a passion for it. Your love isn’t theirs. They should love your work because they connect with it. I believe, and I agree with that. But it’s lonely and disheartening. I’ve spent years writing my story. I was writing and rewriting and rewriting, trying to get it perfect. I eventually decided to finish it. Just get it out there! So I released the first book, Hand of Rel: Horsemen of Paper, for a writing contest. I was so excited! I was hopeful. I thought this was finally it. After all the blood, sweat, and tears, I was getting the story into the ether. But… it wasn’t what I had hoped. I also recently saw the winners for the contest, and it just spiraled me into depression. Sigh.
I WATCHED TICK TICK… BOOM! And it resonated with me a lot, especially the whole thing about rejection letters and having a project that I’ve written and rewritten for more than a few years. I am feeling like I’m running out of time. But also hoping it’ll eventually all work out. It was such a good movie! Loved the music in it, too. I can’t stop listening to Therapy and 30/90. Tick Tick Boom is my spirit animal! I can only hope my work amounts to something. Just have to wait.
IT’S BEEN A ROUGH FEW MONTHS. I mean aside from the obvious craziness in the world. My mom was diagnosed with cancer recently. I’m trying to think about it positively, trying to keep my mind clear. I’m hoping for the best, praying for a miracle. But it honestly scares the hell out of me. Cancer is scary. My family has lost loved ones to cancer before. I’m angry. I’m worried. I’m scared. It’s too soon for this to happen, but here we are? Hoping and praying.
I also lost my cousin, Mari, in August, to covid. I miss her, and I’m still not over it. But I guess you never really get over losing a loved one. It stays with you. Mari was battling stage 4 cancer for the last few years. She beat it twice. Mari was amazing; she was a fighter. She overcame it. But when she got covid, her body couldn’t fight it off, and we lost her. I still can’t believe that. It was one of those things where I was praying for a miracle. That God wouldn’t let this happen, especially because of her struggle. I mean… I don’t know. I wish I could have seen her one last time. Love you, Mari <3
Today is the fourth anniversary of losing Sean. It doesn’t even feel like four years. Love you man, I don’t think I’ll ever stop missing you <3
The anniversary of my Uncle Don’s passing is close, too. A few more months. Along with several more loved ones.
My wife also got some news that her brother is in the hospital with cancer. So yeah, on top of all the craziness or 2020-2021, there’s this.
I’M RUNNING OUT OF TIME. I’m old. And nothing I’ve tried so far has worked. I mean, nothing has gained any traction—Instagram, Youtube, Twitter, and even posting my story for everyone to read yielded nothing. No matter how or what I post, it never clicks. I guess that’s why Tick Tick Boom resonated with me so much. I felt that. I feel it. And it hurts. I’ve spent all this time and effort, all these years, energy and passion, for something that fizzles into the void. I thought I had it a few times. I got my hopes up. I was ready to make a breakthrough. Only to be disappointed again. I’m 40. Next year? I’ll turn 41. I’m not giving up… but damn.
AMONG OTHER THINGS. I’m tired of people, in general. Tired of society. Neighbors. Drivers. Tailgaters. There are so many inconsiderate, crappy people, and it’s a daily occurrence. I’m tired of life. Bills. Drama. Financial issues. Car troubles. Feeling forgotten. I’m tired of the nonsense. I’m just tired. Exhausted. And worn out. Anywho, that was my rant. I have plans, and I will push my work forward. My wife, three babies, and brother have supported me this entire time. And that’s all I need—keep moving forward. Thank you for listening <3
IF YOU ENJOY my work, please feel free to support me with some Kofi! Any support is appreciated but not necessary. It helps support me as a creator, so anything helps. If you choose to buy me a coffee, I thank you, YOU ROCK!
THANK YOU SO MUCH for reading! I’ll be back with another entry next time. Stay creative and make something! Tell the world your story in the way that only you can. Please take care, and God bless. Stay safe. Cheers!
